I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
