I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Randomize
