I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
