i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
