you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
