I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
