I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
