He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
