Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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