How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
