How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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