Your face is a jimmy john
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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