I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
