I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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