Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
