True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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