I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
