My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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