Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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