i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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