I'm sorry my penis didn't work
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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