i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
