I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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