hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
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