the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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