he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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