Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
It's rum buckets o'clock
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
