I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
