i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
