alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
