seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
