Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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