Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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