You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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