Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
