Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
