I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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