Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
