I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
