He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Randomize
