I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
