I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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