you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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