I faked an abortion last night.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
