So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
