i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
