everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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