How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
