I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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