Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
