i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I supernannyed him into submission
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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